Sunday, March 30, 2008

Haters Will Hate...

So you all are probably aware of my little rant yesterday with the fool sending me email threats. I guess the gloves have to come off now. *big sigh* I was trying not to have to act a damned fool, but I guess what my Mom always told me was true: you have to beat the hell out of one bully before they leave you the hell alone.

I think now is my time to beat the bully.


Katt Williams may be one cussin' ass magically delicious micro mini pimp, but what he said, it dead on the money. Take these words and live by them: haters will hate. It's what they do.

Ladies, we see it every single day. Haters will find something to fuck with you about. You could be drop dead gorgeous, a perfect size six, flawless skin and a beautiful personality, but damn if somebody, somewhere will not hate on something about you. If it's not your hair, it's your skin. If it's not your skin, it's your clothes. Not your clothes? It's your "she think she's the shit" attitude.

Just FYI, I don't think I'm the shit, I know it *pops collar and flips hair* Act like you know, m'kay?

Ladies, haters will hate. That's what they do. Their whole mission in life is to obsess about what you do, wear, say, think, write. Then when that's done, they start thinking about who you're talking to, seeing, dating, screwing... and the cycle never ends. Haters are not limited to white, black, Mexican or Asian either. Every single race of women will hate, some are just better at spewing that venom than others. *sends the side eye of doom to my Black womens and the YT's too*

Get mad if you want, but ya'll know us sistahs can throw some serious hate at anybody who dares to be different/unique and true to themselves. *watches in amusement as heads nod* See, ya'll know I'm telling the truth.

I'm not going to lie and take the high road. I used to be one of those women until I figured out something that still tickles me to this day: I had women hating on me about stuff too! *falls out in a dead faint* Now ladies, ya'll should know that I'm not the skintiest sistah in the world. Hell, let me be honest: I'm fat. I'm fat, ya know it! Ya know! Don't you call me pudgy, portly or stout, just ta tell you once again, I'm fat! *shakes off Weird Al moment*

But just in case you wondered, in spite of my certified Big Gurl status, I still have had some fione ass men wanting to be with me, and it wasn't just Black men either. White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, Italian, you name it, and I have had it or been loved by it. I pull some fione men just by being me: flaws and all.

Anyway, I had one experience that showed me that yes, hating ass tricks will hate and mess you up if they can. Picture it: Chicago, 2000. Christmas party for my old job. One of my co-workers and I had been having some pretty good conversations for about a month or so before the party, and we decided that we'd sit together at the company Christmas Party. Well, he and I were standing together, laughing and talking, really getting in sync with each other (we were raising our drinks at the same time, moving at the same rhythm, the whole nine). We were standing there facing each other, laughing and talking and anybody could see that.

Why when my supervisor and another friend of hers saw us across the room, sure as a gun's made of iron, something was about to happen. I'm splitting my time between Robert *sigh* and watching these two with their heat seeking glare. Wouldn't you know that as soon as it seems like there was a chance Robert and I would leave together, here comes the Wicked Bitch of the West (that's what I called her. I couldn't stand her, but that's another post) and her best friend, Rum Tum Tumper (she had hair like a cat and yes, she was a White woman *snort*). These two cows preceded to insinuate themselves into our conversation, separating us before anything could really take off. I was heated, but like Katt said, "Haters will hate... that's what they do!"

Now, with all of that being said, I want to say a very heartfelt thank you to all of the ladies who posted replies in my last post encouraging me to let the haters hate and keep on keeping on:

Sara, your friendship and advice are so appreciated. Thank you so much for your support and the laughs. And don't worry Sis, I still got yo back. *pours some bleach in a squirt bottle and tucks my razor* I wish muh'fluckas would mess with you. Don't let this good English fool you... I can and will let my Inner City gangsta roll. Ack like you know!

felicity, you were right. I will be persecuted because I speak truth. I just got to develop a thicker skin. Sometimes the truth hurts, but hey, if you can't stand the heat, stay the hell out of my kitchen. I *heart* you Sis.

CW, girl, jealousy is not even strong enough to describe what these women feel for you when you even try to get a decent flow going. *SMH* at stupid girls man.

Nikki_cola: I thought imitation was a form of flattery as well, but apparently we were wrong. It's not even like this person was all that dang on eloquent, but I digress. I just know that her editor will be earning their checks.

Selena: I feel so special. Thanks for the laugh.

delish: I am on my way to your house with my taser. Red Lobster as a fine dining establishment??? *does a triple back flip wth a half pike off the roof of her house* I love you girl, and The Mammy Chronicles killded me. I'm gonna need for you to hurry up and get that published. Real talk.

And to everybody just lurking, it's cool that you are here to read, but please know this: I do not take kindly to anonymous asses on the innawebs talking shit to me or about me. But hey, I got my one hater per month quota, so a bish is a quarter of the way to her 4 haters before the summer quota. YAY-YUH!

Now, I'm closing here with something that was sent to me in an email about healing and growing into our skin. I've seen this in "Aquila and the Bee", but have never seen the poem in it's entirety. I love this quote, so here it is. It's called, "OUR DEEPEST FEAR" and it's by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Hate on haters! I'm still going to do and be me! And my blog will keep on keeping on, so take your hate and choke on it bitches!!! Take it away Jill! (thanks for the idea Selena!)

Peace and one love ya'll. C U N the Dawn.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Thinking About Closing... NOT!!!

Since I am now being accused of stealing other's words/works, I am thinking about closing this blog and just saying to hell with it! I don't need the aggrivation.

*dramatic pause*

I feel like I have finally arrived! I got an email from an irate reader accusing me of "stealing the words of Sara (who BTW is the owner of my favorite blog besides my own).

You like me!!! You really, really like me!!!

*single teardrop falls as I sashay and Shaunte' off the stage"

To the person who sent me that email, I have just one thing to say: If you really feel that way, then I feel sorry for you. You say you're writing a book, well how about concentrating that energy on getting that book published so that it can be the "Bible for many women" you are claiming it will become. I wish you nothing but success and blessings with that.

If at anytime or in any way I have taken the words of another and used them in the forming of my own posts without giving due credit, then I truly and sincerely apologize. I meant no harm, and if you want to take it there, I think that you need to chill the fluck out. You should feel honored that anybody would think your words impressive enough to borrow in the first place, but I digress. After all, according to this person, I'm not capable of having an original thought, so let me hush now.

Happy Friday everybody! Now that the drama is over, let's jam!

*jukes up out this bitch*

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Noways Tired... Not Yet Anyway

Ladies, after reading some of the war of words on these blogs, I had to step away from my blog for a moment and do some soul searching. I saw on Sara's blog the post from the racist website started a real war between some posters, and man. I just had to say *in Flavor Flav voice* Whoaaaaaaaaaaa.

Ladies, please know that I love each and every one of you, but seriously, ya'll need to STOP THE FREAKING BICKERING!!! In case you haven't noticed, we are not each other's enemies damn it! Stop acting like a bunch of quarrelsome children. It's not a good look. As a matter of fact, it's embarrassing as hell to me and it makes me want to line some of ya'll up and Stooge slap you. *cracks whip* FOCUS damn it!

If you disagree with what a blogger is saying, instead of bashing her on her blog, you send a freakin' email? And I know you see her dang on email address sitting in her sidebar just as big as life, so no mas gusta your lines about not having it. Damn. Some people really need to stop taking themselves so seriously. (*side eyeing a few regular posters, but if the shoe fits...*) You are not the end all and be all of the IR blogging community. Hell, you don't even speak for a large group of people. Your opinion is just that: your opinion. Just like my opinion is my opinion. Everybody is allowed to feel what they feel and like/love what they love. You aren't going to change their minds, so if you don't agree, be woman enough to agree to disagree, m'kay?

But please, stop with the bitching and sniping. It's annoying.

Can't we all just get along? *Beyonce tear drops*

Friday, March 21, 2008

When Will We Learn?

Hey all. As you all know, I have been fighting the hell out of that nasty flu bug for about a week now. I'm still not completely well, but I got to thinking that it's been almost a week since last I posted anything, so here's a brand new post in your ear.

You know, I really had a hard time coming up with a post this go around. I don't know why, but sometimes it's really hard for me to come up with ideas that can stretch into a fully formed post for this blog. It's usually when I'm tired and hunting around on youtube for a little video "expiration" (Tyrant Banks' show is going to be the death of my soul) that I find gems like these and the inspiration hits like a 2 ton MAC truck.

*listens to the angels sing* Yes, I got very excited about everything this young lady had to say. Young, beautiful Black women trying to inform their sisters that dating "other" men makes me feel like all the time that ladies alike Evia, Halima, Sara, Aimee and others are putting into their blogs is truly worth it. *wipes tear* I truly love my sisters.

*dramatic lemurs* But just as the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, and gas prices continue to skyrocket, so surely will ignorant asses come and piss in the Corn Flakes:

No.words. My mind is just not ready to deal with the ignorance and tomfoolery this bastage is speaking on. *gives dumb ass the gas face and tries to move on*

I was reading over on Sara's blog (thanks for the add to the blog roll Sis) and she said something that I found very profound. She wrote:

Sistas this is why Evia, Halima, Aimee and I advocate for OUR own agenda. Nobody else is going to have our backs! NOBODY- Brothas are thinking of new ways to embarrass, humiliate and disrespect you even as we speak! WAKE UP! The game has been over and we're the only fools still trying to win! I know this is going to hurt some women because you don't want to believe it but: Black men are not coming back!!! The truth is for too many of them we remind them too much of themselves. and since they don't seem to care for themselves too much we are a convenient target. It's time we took the reigns and decide to act in our own best interest. We need to build our own companies, film our own movies, make our own lines and build our own lives with men who can love and appreciate us no matter what color his skin may be. Please don't cry because brothers are gone. They have not had your back in years and if they want anything but bw then I say 'have at it' I could not care less however, I know many sistas will cry themselves to sleep over the thought of this. However, I believe in honesty regardless of the momentary pain it might cause. We MUST MOVE ON!!! Some of y'all remind me of the slaves swaying and praying on the plantation waitin' on the sold slave to come back. Cryin' and prayin' to no avail. There is as much chance of brothers coming back as there was of those sold slaves coming back. In other words NONE! Please accept it and lets move on to better lives........

How long will we continue to cry and sway, especially in light of the message of the so-called brother in that BM's video? It's obvious to me that the time for crying is OVER, but just like Kunte Kinte when Kizzy was sold away, some women are determined to hold that handful of dirt where the Black man last stood and weep and wail for the good ole days to come back. Guess what? Shit ain't gonna happen.

Black men have abandoned us to whatever Hell awaits us, so why are we even wasting energy on trying to hold onto a dream that is long dead??? It's up to Black women to protect us and our children now. We cannot depend on the very ones who should be our fiercest and most vocal protectors and cheerleaders, so guess what? How about we become all those things to each other?

How about Black women stand up and stand together to make our world what we wish it to be? It's time for the petty squabbles and pissing contests to cease and desist! There's too much on the line for us to still be at each other's throats over bullshit that DOES NOT MATTER!

The next time you catch yourself snarking at or about another Black woman, how about you put yourself into that sistah gurl's shoes? If she's a friend and she's overweight, how about instead of dogging her, you offer to walk with her? How about offering to teach her how to shop and eat healthier with what she has? How about you work with the sister who seems lost when it comes to clothing and makeup that flatters? Putting more energy into the positive rather than the negative will result in a lot more Beautiful Black women rising to the occasion and finding the man of their dreams instead of wallowing in the pits of self misery and crying and swaying, waiting for the Black man to come rescue her.

So ladies please, if you see your friends doing the cry/sway over yet another no good ass man who has hurt/abandoned them, help them up and help them out of the abyss. A love like this could be their (and your) reward.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sometimes the Words of Another...

Hello faithful friends and fellow soldierettes! Over on this blog Something New Isn't Necessarily Something Good, a poster by the name of Khadija said the following:

I think there are at least 2 main factions with the “Something New” crew:

[1]The old-fashioned group of White-folks-worshippers that have found a new & trendy cover for their self-hatred. Many of these women are faithfully spouting the typical Oreo lies: “I don’t see color…People are people…blah, blah, etc.” The bolder members of this group openly state their preference for all things/persons White. Members of this group also deny the real issues inherent in pursuing romantic relationships with outsiders.

[2]Black women who have decided to re-think their positions regarding dating outside the race. I usually detect a sense of grief while reading comments from women in this 2nd category. Grief over the loss of the ideal of the possibilities of Black/Black marriages; grief at acknowledging how nonexistent the Black family has become. Grief at acknowledging the level of murderous hatred so many Black men have for Black women & children.

I have to be honest in my dealings with you all. I probably fall into the latter category more so than the former. Why do you ask? Because I love Black men. There is something about the way they smell/feel/taste/love that, when they are on their 'A' game, is a sight to behold. Besides, I came from a Black man, so how the hell can I hate them? Unlike Khadija, for me there is no grief. Grief to me denotes that there was something besides a real , deep seeded hatred festering in the souls of Black men for Black women and children, and very real sense of dislike and distrust that has turned many BW into self destructive shells lashing out at everything and every one.

So what is there left in me for BM you ask? Three things really: pity, loyalty and relief. Why pity you ask? Well, look at the intelligent, got their shit together BW who are chosing to walk away from the BC. All of our creativity, drive, perseverance, tenacity, dedication, dreams, strength, etc, that could have been used to rebuild the BC are now being focused into building more and better lives for ourselves and our children, without them.

Yes, I do still feel some loyalty to the BC, but that loyalty only goes as far as it is reciprocated. You see, I refuse to be one of those BW who spends the rest of her life pining away for what might never be again. I love my BM, Lawd knows I do, but I'd just as soon tell them to f*ck off and drop dead than to see myself and other beautiful, intelligent about their business BW stay single waiting for BM to step their game up. Not the Kid. Not ever.

Relief. Relief that I am finally free to set my own course. That I and so many of my sisters have been given our parole papers and told to run, run away free. Open your eyes and your minds to the many varieties of beautiful men out there that would not only love to have you, but would love to marry you and father your children because Black men sure as hell aren't leaping to accept the task. Relief and a marked sense of freedom from the shackles that so many years of being the mule of the Black man's parade of loathing brings.

This is the point I’ve reached regarding Black women being open to marrying outside the race. We can see that there’s no real loyalty from BM toward BW, so why should we have loyalty to them? I’m not saying that Black women have refrained from dating out due to a sense of “loyalty” to Black men—I think many of us simply felt that we didn’t have any choices other than to be with Black men, which, slowly but surely, we are finding is just not so.

This has to change. People get complacent & dismissive in relationships when they feel that their partners don’t have any options other than them. This is what I think has happened (among other things) between Black men & Black women. The shortage of viable Black men has created a really ugly dynamic in the Black community. It has made Black men take Black women (and the support that we have given them) for granted. It has undercut notions of sisterhood (the madness of women competing for a limited pool of viable Black men). It has warped the very fiber of the Black community.

My bottom line—I want Black women to have the same options for enjoying healthy marriages and family life that is enjoyed by EVERY OTHER RACE OF WOMEN ON THIS PLANET! I want more Black women to be able to hold their heads high & introduce their significant others as their HUSBANDS, not as their 45-year-old “friends”. Or, God forbid, as their “baby daddy.” I want more Black children to grow up in stable, 2-parent families. I want more Black children to grow up in families where everybody has the same last name. I want more Black children to grow up watching a living example of wholesome, married family life.

Since there aren’t enough Black men that are willing & able to provide this, Black women need to move on. I don’t think that this is an easy or care-free process. There are very real issues involved with marrying outside the race. However, it can’t be much worse than the current scenario of masses of Black women pining over/competing to be exploited by a dwindling pool of (at best indifferent, at worst violent) Black men. I have to give the disclaimer—no, I’m not saying that every Black man is at best indifferent. I’m talking about the big picture of the Black community. Let’s tell the truth—many Black men have enjoyed being chased by desperate women. It’s human nature to exploit an advantage.

I believe that this is one of the issues underlying so many Black women & their children that have been attacked & ultimately murdered by the Black men in their lives. Too many of these women actually felt that their only option was to hook up with prime examples of less-than-worthless men, or what we lovingly like to refer to as "Damaged Beyond Repair" Black, White, Asian, etc Men.

I almost can’t believe that it has come to this, but I'm not entirely surprised that it has.

Peace and one love all.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

I was just over on Sara's blog and she has posted a story about her life. I had to read it twice, and it was only during the second reading that I realized what was wrong: I was reading my story, only it was through another woman's eyes.

I started out life as any other young Black woman did: loved by all three of her parents (even if the Biological didn't really bother, but that's food for another blog). I had a pretty typical upbringing. Solidly Middle class family, happy childhood and early teen years. It wasn't until High School that I would meet the man who would turn my life upside down. Anyway, here's my story.

I was 15, kind of shy. Not thought of as typically pretty because I was chunky even back then, but with a beautiful smile and naivety that most people found adorable (Or so they say). He was 20, good looking, beautiful smile with a body that just made a good girl want to be bad all damned day long. I know, some people are saying red flag right there, but hey, he was doing big things because he was in college and wanting to become an engineer. You know how when you give a young lady who, up to this point had been invisible to boys a little attention it tends to blind them to some pretty harsh shit? Well that was me: in love, out of control and blind as a bat to what was really going on.

It statred slowly enough, he began to isolate me from friends (not like I had many to begin with), family (they all just thought it was sweet how much time we spent together) and eventually church and school fell by the wayside as well. I had always wanted to be a doctor, but he wanted me to stay home and take care of the house. No problem as far as I was concerned. I just wanted to make him happy. And he was. Even though we weren't really making much, we were making some little bit of money so he treated me as well as he could on what he had. He and I were pretty good until I had my oldest daughter, who is now a teenager. Ever see the movie "Sleeping With the Enemy"? Well I was sleeping with my biggest enemy, but it would only get worse.

He began controlling what I ate, who I saw and where I went. I was given a cell phone and told that it had better not ring more than three times or there would be hell to pay. My clothes went from cute stuff that any now almost 20 year old woman would wear to long sleeves, long dresses and pants that showed no skin, even in the summertime. I kept a spotless house, not because I really cared how it looked, but mostly because I was scared to death what would happen if he came home and found even one towel out of place. From the moment the baby came home, I because all kinds of fat, worthless bitches and lazy whores because I couldn't do and be everything he seemed to want me to be. Since I was so young when I got with him, I didn't know any better, and since he was making good money in his career at that point, everybody around me basically told me that I needed to shape up or I was gonna lose a "good" Black man.

At first it was just a slap here, and a pinch there, but soon it escalated into all out shouting matches with me pinned to the floor while he choked me and beat me like I was his child. Eventually I got up enough guts to go stay with my brother, but asshole was not done with me yet.

I had waited until he was gone to work and came back to the house to get my things and the baby's stuff (even though she was three at the time). I had gotten almost everything packed into my car and was on my way out the door when he got home early. When he saw me with that suitcase, something in him snapped. He punched me in my face so hard he cracked my cheekbone. I went to the floor, and while I was down there he was basically stomping me to death. My baby got my cell phone and called 9/11 and her uncles to come "get Bad Daddy off my Mommy." By the time the police got there, he'd pulled out a gun and was threatening to blow my brains out if I didn't promise to stay with him. I was in so much pain that I said what I had to to keep him from killing me or my baby.

Today, the bastard sits in jail, doing a 40 year prison term for assault, attempted murder, assault with a deadly weapon and reckless endangerment of a child. I packed my baby up and drove across the country to get away from him, but I have every intention of making the trip back to my home state to testify when that lousy bastard comes up for parole.

Whew. Anyway, Sara was commenting about how there is a difference between damaged and wounded, and she is 100% correct. When I first came away from that relationship, I was battle scarred to death. I was emotionally battered, physically wounded and mentally wrecked. I could have chosen to remain in bitterness, taking out my pain, anger and frustration on everybody around me, but I realized that I am better than that. I went to the college near my house and got free counseling through their Psychology Department. I re-enrolled in school, eventually graduating with a 3.9 GPA from that college with a Bachelor's Degree in Nursing. I see myself as a phoenix who rose from the ashes, ready to do better and make my life my own.

But then I look around at so many other women who are angry, bitter and scarred but who haven't opened their minds and hearts to get the help that they need. DBRbm are leaving an army of wounded sisters in their wake. I was one of the lucky ones. Now it's time for me to head out there and help someone like nobody tried to help me.

And so hopefully the cycle of pain, hurt and disillusionment ends with me.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Hello World

I have decided that it's time for me to stop hiding behind various screen names on Evia, Halima, Sarah & CW's blogs and step my support of interracial dating and loving up for 2008 and beyond. My name is Nicole. I am a single Black female living in the city of Chicago. I'm currently in school working towards a degree in Psychology. I have a pretty good life, but what I don't have is a good man to share it with me.

Oh and did I happen to mention that I pretty much have an aversion to dating DBRbm? Yeah, it's a big problem of mine. You see, I grew up in a family filled with DBRbm. Most of my male cousins are damaged, and I have spent the past 30 plus years of my life watching in despair as one behind another, these men have ravaged their mothers, our family and ultimately our community.

Case in point, I have one aunt S. S is a beautiful Black woman, but she has a severe case of Neo-Mammyism and cannot understand why her eldest son has turned out to be a total and complete asshat. Ummm could it be because you raised him to believe that his shit didn't stink? You allowed the pompous jerkbag to run roughshod over anyone who did not allow him to have his own way, and now because he's a good looking, college educated Black male, he's gotten it into his head that he is the shit. *snort* Yeah a total shit. The one time that I confronted this cousin about his ignorant ass behavior, he struck back at me by calling me a fat ass (Oh! that really hurt!) and thinking that I would never heard about it. Needless to say, I read his ass quite well and he and I have not had 2 words to say to each other since.

My own mother, whom I love dearly and would do anything for has shades of Neo-Mammy in her as well. She has run herself ragged caring for my Stepfather when he has been ill several times over the past 2 years (he is in kidney failure from failure to do right, but that's another post). This man expects my mother, my sister and myself to be at his beck and call 24/7 when he is ill, but damned if he will even lift a finger to help us when we're not feeling well. And when he does, he has to complain the whole time he's doing whatever it is that he's been forced to do. I mean, just damn man. Who the hell are you to basically say to me that it's okay for you to be sick, but when I'm ill I should still be up taking care of you?

Something that has bothered me for years is: why is it that I, as a Black woman, am supposed to love, honor, cherish and respect a Black man when they have not done the same for me? What the hell kind of fool would I be if I constantly allowed a BM to mentally, verbally and psychologically abuse me? A huge one doesn't even begin to cover the basics.

I say all of that to say this: Black women, it's time we stand up and say ENOUGH!

~ No more giving and giving of ourselves until we are too sick/weak/tired/run down to care for ourselves, let alone our children.

~ No more wasting time with DBRbm who are only there to use and abuse your body, mind and spirit, only to leave you a shell of yourself, emotionally wounded and battered only to take it out in hating the next man to come along.

~ No more blocking yourself off from a world of possibilities with good men of other races because you are afraid of incurring the wrath of the rest of the Black community. Who gives a damn what they think! You are a beautiful woman deserving of the love of a good man, so never be afraid to reach for the stars!

We are at the threshold of a new world ladies. It's time to step up and step out. Grasp control of your world by both horns and look around you at the plethora of beautiful Black, African, Asian, Hispanic and yes, White men out there who are waiting in the wings to sweep you off of your feet. Make it a point to smile at every man you meet. You never know, you may be smiling at your future husband!