Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sometimes the Words of Another...

Hello faithful friends and fellow soldierettes! Over on this blog Something New Isn't Necessarily Something Good, a poster by the name of Khadija said the following:


I think there are at least 2 main factions with the “Something New” crew:

[1]The old-fashioned group of White-folks-worshippers that have found a new & trendy cover for their self-hatred. Many of these women are faithfully spouting the typical Oreo lies: “I don’t see color…People are people…blah, blah, etc.” The bolder members of this group openly state their preference for all things/persons White. Members of this group also deny the real issues inherent in pursuing romantic relationships with outsiders.

[2]Black women who have decided to re-think their positions regarding dating outside the race. I usually detect a sense of grief while reading comments from women in this 2nd category. Grief over the loss of the ideal of the possibilities of Black/Black marriages; grief at acknowledging how nonexistent the Black family has become. Grief at acknowledging the level of murderous hatred so many Black men have for Black women & children.


I have to be honest in my dealings with you all. I probably fall into the latter category more so than the former. Why do you ask? Because I love Black men. There is something about the way they smell/feel/taste/love that, when they are on their 'A' game, is a sight to behold. Besides, I came from a Black man, so how the hell can I hate them? Unlike Khadija, for me there is no grief. Grief to me denotes that there was something besides a real , deep seeded hatred festering in the souls of Black men for Black women and children, and very real sense of dislike and distrust that has turned many BW into self destructive shells lashing out at everything and every one.

So what is there left in me for BM you ask? Three things really: pity, loyalty and relief. Why pity you ask? Well, look at the intelligent, got their shit together BW who are chosing to walk away from the BC. All of our creativity, drive, perseverance, tenacity, dedication, dreams, strength, etc, that could have been used to rebuild the BC are now being focused into building more and better lives for ourselves and our children, without them.

Yes, I do still feel some loyalty to the BC, but that loyalty only goes as far as it is reciprocated. You see, I refuse to be one of those BW who spends the rest of her life pining away for what might never be again. I love my BM, Lawd knows I do, but I'd just as soon tell them to f*ck off and drop dead than to see myself and other beautiful, intelligent about their business BW stay single waiting for BM to step their game up. Not the Kid. Not ever.

Relief. Relief that I am finally free to set my own course. That I and so many of my sisters have been given our parole papers and told to run, run away free. Open your eyes and your minds to the many varieties of beautiful men out there that would not only love to have you, but would love to marry you and father your children because Black men sure as hell aren't leaping to accept the task. Relief and a marked sense of freedom from the shackles that so many years of being the mule of the Black man's parade of loathing brings.

This is the point I’ve reached regarding Black women being open to marrying outside the race. We can see that there’s no real loyalty from BM toward BW, so why should we have loyalty to them? I’m not saying that Black women have refrained from dating out due to a sense of “loyalty” to Black men—I think many of us simply felt that we didn’t have any choices other than to be with Black men, which, slowly but surely, we are finding is just not so.

This has to change. People get complacent & dismissive in relationships when they feel that their partners don’t have any options other than them. This is what I think has happened (among other things) between Black men & Black women. The shortage of viable Black men has created a really ugly dynamic in the Black community. It has made Black men take Black women (and the support that we have given them) for granted. It has undercut notions of sisterhood (the madness of women competing for a limited pool of viable Black men). It has warped the very fiber of the Black community.

My bottom line—I want Black women to have the same options for enjoying healthy marriages and family life that is enjoyed by EVERY OTHER RACE OF WOMEN ON THIS PLANET! I want more Black women to be able to hold their heads high & introduce their significant others as their HUSBANDS, not as their 45-year-old “friends”. Or, God forbid, as their “baby daddy.” I want more Black children to grow up in stable, 2-parent families. I want more Black children to grow up in families where everybody has the same last name. I want more Black children to grow up watching a living example of wholesome, married family life.

Since there aren’t enough Black men that are willing & able to provide this, Black women need to move on. I don’t think that this is an easy or care-free process. There are very real issues involved with marrying outside the race. However, it can’t be much worse than the current scenario of masses of Black women pining over/competing to be exploited by a dwindling pool of (at best indifferent, at worst violent) Black men. I have to give the disclaimer—no, I’m not saying that every Black man is at best indifferent. I’m talking about the big picture of the Black community. Let’s tell the truth—many Black men have enjoyed being chased by desperate women. It’s human nature to exploit an advantage.

I believe that this is one of the issues underlying so many Black women & their children that have been attacked & ultimately murdered by the Black men in their lives. Too many of these women actually felt that their only option was to hook up with prime examples of less-than-worthless men, or what we lovingly like to refer to as "Damaged Beyond Repair" Black, White, Asian, etc Men.

I almost can’t believe that it has come to this, but I'm not entirely surprised that it has.

Peace and one love all.

12 people feel me:

tlynn said...

Hi Nicole
I've been reading your blog after coming from Sara's blog and I
checked out your profile. Didnt know you where in Chicago,sista! Well
there is an IR group that I wanted you to know about. You might want
to join. Here is our link:http://interracial.meetup.com/173/

Keep up the good writing!
Traci

tlynn said...

Also if you ever want to go out and explore Chicago please feel free
to contact me. I as well as another friend of mine (Pam) are in the
same mind set as you described on Friday March 7! We are SO THERE. We
have been committed to going out to one social event once a week,
going to more upscale places for meeting men. We plan on taking salsa
classes, joining a gym and getting makeover. Shopping for more
flattering clothes and just basically preparing ourselves mentally,
spritually and physically for our husbands. It's alot of work but
it's very exciting. Because we are doing this for ourselves and
putting ourselves first and wanting better! Whew!So with having said
that, if you ever want to go out and explore or just to talk, please
feel free to contact me. Bye for now. I have to bookmark your blog!

Taylor-Sara said...

Exactly girl, that's what I keep trying to explain to people when you fish in a pond you can never even expect to catch the caliber of fish you could if you were to move to a lake! BW must fish for men from the lake and not the pond! They will increase their chances of finding a good husband/father for thier children 1000% and they can leave the damaged men for the ones who constantly defend them... and no I do not hate bm. On the contrary, I have many men in my fam whom I love dearly but I call them on their mess, I don't excuse it because I love them and feel they need to be coddled. You coddle babies not men!

Kay said...

I do agree that it is shocking and unfortunate how much madness seems to be floating around in the mentality of men in the black community, and I can't blaim black women for exploring their options for better.

I mourn for the idealistic love I once had for my people. Now it is replaced by a lot of wanting for more. I am to the point where I don't want a black man. I have an anything but mindset. I want the same things you want for black women our advancement on all levels health, family, education, etc. If that requires that requires transcending the limitations of the black community so be it.

Keep doing what you're doing. Your message is important.

Anonymous said...

Good Blog, Nicole
tlynn good ideas and I must worker harder on some of your ideas. It is so easy to get off track.
Enjoy your day ladies.
Ann F.

Anonymous said...

p.s. I have wondered the men that you post do you know for sure they are into bw?
Ann F.

Anonymous said...

Great post Nicole.

For me, I have no hate for BM. But like you stated, to find a good husband we must go beyond what our perception is. Expand...expand!

BeautifulBlkWoman said...

Hey ladies. Thanks for the kind comments and love. I have been fighting the flu for the past week, so I haven't really been checking in like I usually would have.

anonymous: I have been to a few M5 concerts, and if Adam Levine doesn't like BW, he sure as hell can pretend really well. He was giving me that good eye sex thing most of the night and I am not only Brown, but a napptural as well. I don't know about the rest of the men, but they don't have to like BW for me to admire their looks/bodies. I'm an equal opportunity ogler.

Traci, email me at ms.nicole.l.brown.74 at gmaildotcom. I have lived in Chicago off and on most of my life and I still find stuff I never knew about here.

Stay tuned for another thought provoking post soon ladies and others!

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post, Nicole. You are a wonderful new voice in the IR online community! I love your description of your emotional "journey" to IR - pity, loyalty and relief. I feel the same. I started out with an "appreciation" for WM and other non-BM while maintaining a "preference" for BM. Now that preference is gone - even when he's on his "A" game. He now has to compete on equal terms with all other men, as far as I'm concerned. He once had an advantage with me, but over the last 9 months, that advantage has disappeared.

bwdb said...

Sandra you hit the nail on the head: BM will have to compete on equal footing...Not get a "pass" out of undeserved loyalty or nostalgia....


BWDB
http://thecwexperience.wordpress.com

Anonymous said...

I agree with you cw. Some bm will want to return to the bw after they have tried all of the other race females and they realize that there really isn't that big of a difference in females. Guest what guys it will not be so easy getting back into our good graces and yes, some of you will want to be in our good graces. As the old saying goes, "You do not miss your water until your well runs dry."
Ann F.

Anonymous said...

Wow I love that sentiment.
Black guys gotta compete with Latinos , Asian White, and Arab men.

These racist black men are implying that I'm not good enough to court and via for!

A good man is hard to find so why limit our p dating and marriage pool due to some romantic past when things are not what they once were.

I admit I found men of various races attractive and I do feel that a man should be wooing me and not me wooing him.
He's too lazy for me if that is the case!