Monday, April 28, 2008

Hating Black Men and Wisdom Earned

It seems that no matter how many times I get asked this, the question always comes up again and again. And it makes no difference how many times you say that you don't hate Black men, somebody, somewhere will always take your words, twist them into whatever shape they feel is needed to showcase their POV, and it all brings you back to square one.

Let me make this clear right here, right now: I DO NOT HATE BLACK MEN! I do however, hate the bitchassness that is so prevalent among some BM, especially the ones who chose to attack a BW when she doesn't respond to or get angered by, his preference for a nonBW. I have no issue with a BM wanting to date outside of his ethnicity, but please, if you're doing it for shock value, don't get pissy with me when I don't respond like one of Pavlov's dogs to your stimulus. Quite frankly, you attacking me for not responding like you wish me to tells me you are on some ole "I got me a White girl, don't you feel jealous?" type BS, and honestly, that's more your issue than it is mine.

Now, there are a lot of young women out there who will be angry/pissed off with you, but they may not be pissed off for the reasons that you think. Most BW I have spoken to have told me that the only reason they get pissy is because BM tend to just go get any old WW and bring her around his family, demanding that they have to accept this woman and respect her because she's white. My own cousin did something like this with two of his exes (after telling us all that he couldn't mess with BW anymore because they are too "hard to deal with" i.e. wouldn't take his BS), and the resounding response from me, both his sisters and my aunt: I dont have to respect anybody that doesn't respect me.

As I said, some women will be pissed off a a BM dating outside of his ethnic group but I am not one of them. How can I be angry with you when I'm doing the exact same thing, albeit for totally different reasons? I date men who wish to date me, no matter what color his skin is. I always have, even back before I met the man I eventually married. I have always loved a variety of men for a variety of reasons, and if I'm totally honest, I can say that I have never really been attracted to BM for the simple fact that they were never attracted to me. Sure I dated a few (eventually married one) but BM just don't get my panties moist most of the time. And no, that does not include the Morris Chestnuts and Denzels of the world. I'd do both of them so good it would make them leave their wives, but I'm talking about something different altogether.

I love men who love me. Men who treat me with respect, open doors, hold my hand in public and who would throat chop a fool for even thinking about disrespecting me. I love men with charisma, intellect, charm, gentle hearts and minds. I love honesty, gratitude for the little things, compassion, understanding of me and the way I feel. Where is his sense of humor? His optimism and emotional availability? I love these things in any man, and if he has them in abundance, I'm dating him regardless of who he is and what ethnic group he claims.

See, I think that's a big issue with women of all ethnicities nowadays. They tend to pick partners based on things that are fleeting, like how cute he is or what kind of car he drives. Oh, how much money he got? And then they wonder why they're so miserable once they get the Mrs. in front of their names in spite of the money, fame, smoking hot body, etc. Short answer: you got what you paid for. You wanted a fine looking man instead of a fine acting/being man, and now you have to suffer the consequences.

I'm not saying that you have to go out with Quasimodo just because he's a sweet guy who would love to give you the world, because let's face it: it's just as easy to marry a pretty man as it is to marry an ugly one (and it's a helluva lot easier on the eyes), but, I think most women need to stop being so materialistic in their approaches to dating/relationships. Yes it's just as easy to be with a rich man as it is a poor man, but what if that rich man is a total a-hole who beats you like he owns you, doesn't want to be a father to his children, sleeps around, etc? Didn't you say you stopped dating BM for these very same reasons?

Something in the water does not compute.

Ladies, don't be afraid to aim high, and this is especially true for my sisters. Don't be afraid to want a husband before you want a child. Too many of us are happy being "baby momma" when we should have insisted on being "wife" first. And please do not sit on your behind and start that mess about white women are baby's mommas too. Miss me with that BS. Just because they do it don't make it right. Insist on him making you the one and only in his life before you lay down with him, because we all know that a baby can and will come when you least expect it.

BW, do not be afraid to claim what you will and will not tolerate in your relationships. Not knowing what you do and don't want is one of the fastest ways to get yourself into a world of trouble. Knowing what you will not accept is just as important as knowing what you will not compromise on because then you will remain true to yourself in your dealings with all men. What do you not want in a mate? Write it down. This helps you to fine tune your wants, and can be revised as criteria are moved to and from different areas.

I sat down when I got out of my marriage and made a list with three headings: Must Have, Don't Want, Willing to Compromise and listed characteristics under all three where they fit. This list has been fine tuned on several occasions, but you can bet your bottom dollar that with every man I meet, the list comes out. If he's higher in the "Don't Wants" than he is in the "Must Have's" and isn't willing to work on some things, I know not to even waste my time. It may sound harsh, but it cuts through the BS and keeps me focused on getting the kind of man who is a best fit for me, and it helps keep things simple.

I'm not going to tell you what to put on your list. Only you know what you want, but try to concentrate on character traits more so than on physical things. Physical is fleeting, but a man's character will tell you more about him and the kind of person he is, and that's what you want to see more so than his six pack abs and 24 carat schlong. Also, don't get so caught up in the "d*ckin' me down proper syndrome" that you forget to watch his actions more than listening to his words, because actions are the greatest indicator of whether he's true to character or just playing nice to get into your panty draws. When a man shows by his actions what kind of character he has, believe him and decide whether you wish to remain with him accordingly.

And now for today's musical selection. (A regular feature that some people really do love)

This is a user made video fro one of my fave Jill Scott song: He Loves Me (Lyzel in E-Flat) starring my favorite IE couple from daytime television, Christian Vega and Evangeline Williamson (bring Van Baaaaaaack!!!!). This is how good it can be... and should be.

17 people feel me:

CW said...

Even after this some will still twist your words...They simply hear what they want...The most important thing is to keep stepping towards your goals!

Tracy said...

Amen!!

I can't understand how all this came about - It's like we can't have our own agenda without having to put up with someone else's bull ish!

I have always been a BW who likes what she likes, the hell with anyone elses thoughts!

Honestly, tho, with all the hatin from BM and BW, is is getting pretty hard out there ...

So I have decided that I can pass -from now on, I will be Samoan!! I was going to try for Indian, but the weave cost to much, and I like pork - so Samoan it is! No more BM, no more DBR or hair wars, just big good looking football players that like big good looking women!

Talofa!

Tracy said...

Sorry!!

I meant tofa' - bye, or til next time

talofa means hello

BeautifulBlkWoman said...

Tracy, I cate you! *goats into traffic*

That is all.

CW, I know, but I never want it to be said that I didn't put my ish out there so that anybody who wants to can see what I have to say on this topic. If they chose to misrepresent me from here on out, that's on them. I don't have time for that foolishness.

DiosaNegra1967 said...

BW...you speak nothing but the TRUTH....

Idea: How about "Side Eye Action* tee-shirts?

CW said...

I like that idea...and would wear one

BeautifulBlkWoman said...

Diosanegra, I like that idea.

Make mine a 4X (I like my t-shirts looooooooooose. No suffocating the twins please)

Oh and can you make it pank with black lettering?

Felicity said...

Good thread, write down and make it happen!

Tracy said...

Tracy, I cate you! *goats into traffic*


WHAZZAT?

Make mine a 4x too!

No no, purple please!

CW said...

I wanna show off the twins...Make mine a Medium ; )

(I don't mind the side eye coming in my direction sometimes...lol)

DiosaNegra1967 said...

BW...I forgot to add: I'm totally with you on laying out boundaries as to what IS vs. what is NOT acceptable in relationships! Of course, there are SOME fellas who will hope that we, as BW, will fall for the "okey doke"....just to say that "we have a man"!

Reminds me of one of my fave songs: "Passionate Kisses"

Is it too much to ask
I want a comfortable bed that won't hurt my back
Food to fill me up
And warm clothes and all that stuff
Shouldn't I have this
Shouldn't I have this
Shouldn't I have all of this, and

Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you

Is it too much to demand
I want a full house and a rock and roll band
Pens that won't run out of ink
And cool quiet and time to think
Shouldn't I have this
Shouldn't I have this
Shouldn't I have all of this, and

Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you

Do I want too much
Am I going overboard to want that touch
I shout it out to the night
"Give me what I deserve, 'cause it's my right"
Shouldn't I have this (shouldn't I)
Shouldn't I have this (shouldn't I)
Shouldn't I have all of this, and

Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you
Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you

Taylor-Sara said...

great post girl. I could not agree more. But I agree with CW many people will hear what they want to hear. I simply stopped giving a damn when they play stupid and just moved on.....

BeautifulBlkWoman said...

Girl, please believe that I don't really care one way or the other right now. I just put it out here so that nobody could say I said something I didn't. My words are here for everyone to read.

If they chose to not hear exactly what I've said, then that's them. I can only put out here what I feel. After that, it's up to them.

Upgrade! said...

It's amazing what some women, regardless of age, color, weight or whatever else, will do and tolerate to have a man.

Slim_Lola said...

I think upgrade should speak for itself and not for the women here.

I won't settle for less to have male companionship and the idea of going gay doesn't sit well with me either so kindly step off upgrade.

I'd rather be in the arms of a white man than man share or be alone while waiting for a good black man to hell with that notion.

The black men who criticize black women finding love with other men probably wouldn't so much as sneeze in the direction of these black women anyway.

Slim_Lola said...

I think upgrade should speak for itself and not for the women here.

I won't settle for less to have male companionship and the idea of going gay doesn't sit well with me either so kindly step off upgrade.

I'd rather be in the arms of a white man than man share or be alone while waiting for a good black man to hell with that notion.

The black men who criticize black women finding love with other men probably wouldn't so much as sneeze in the direction of these black women anyway.

Anonymous said...

I have to admit that dating non-black men is an idea that has just started to form with me. I too am sick and tired of waiting for a decent black man to notice me and I am tired as hell of all black men out there taking their sisters for granted. Scratch that - we are not their sisters - you don't treat family the way they and their white women have been treating us. Anyway, thanks for the blog. It has given me much to think about.

God Bless.