Flaws and All

Queen of Wishful Thinking

Okay, I just took a long, hard look in the mirror, and you know what? Today, April 5, 2008, I have realized that I really am beautiful, no matter what the naysayers might think or say to the contrary. I know, some of ya'll are probably like "What is this crazy woman going on about now?", but walk with me for a moment.

I am a 34 year old Black woman who is finally comfortable in her own skin.

How many Black women do you know who have reached this zenith? Have you?

The reason I ask is because, a lot of us are looking for a significant other to share our lives with, and I wish every single one of you the luck of one thousand leprechauns in finding him, but have you really stopped to think what might be holding you back is not the lack of available men of any race, but the lack of self confidence and assurance you project?

Men are very perceptive creatures, and as I'm sure your male family members will tell you, they can spot an unconfident woman who is ripe for the picking at 1,000 feet. Their "damaged woman" radars' have been finely tuned, so they will spot your ass with the skill of a lion hunting gazelle on the savanna, and trust they will move in for the kill. A DBR man of any race will use your lack of self confidence, and this lack of knowing deep down that you are beautiful and desirable, with catastrophic effects if it's left unchecked. I know because I didn't love myself very much in high school, and I ended up involved with a man who almost killed me because I didn't love me.

And before you go assuming, I had people telling me constantly that I was a beautiful girl, I just never took those words to heart. I remember that one of the first people to tell me I was pretty was my BFF's Mom back when I was in 6th grade. She basically looked at me and said, "Nicole, you know, you have such a beautiful face. You have a good heart, and it shows in your eyes. Don't ever lose that." And do you know, I pretty much said Thank You, and left that behind like garbage in McDonald's? I don't think I ever had anybody in my family say those words to me though, mostly because the Color Struckisms have some of my family in a damned choke hold. They never said I was pretty, but oh how they fawned over my younger cousin who was born with almost straight hair and hazel eyes. *sigh*

My nappy hair and chestnut Brown skin were never good enough to hear anything other than "Oh, you'd be so cute if you just lost some weight" or "You know, I just found this diet... you have such a pretty face and I know if this diet works..." ad nauseum, ad infinitum. Now don't get me wrong, I knew I needed to lose weight, but damn it, I did not need to hear the people who were supposed to love me constantly harping on it. I have a stubborn streak the size of Mt. Kilimanjaro. The more you harp and harass, the more I push my specially designed and bedazzled "Nignore" button.

One cousin even went so far as to tell her mother that she wouldn't have me in her wedding because I was, in her words, "too fat and Black" to be in her wedding. And wouldn't you know that the only Brown skinned females she had in that wedding were skinny as hell with weaves down to their asses? Everybody else was light, bright and darned near White. I was so hurt I stayed away from that particular cousin for years. I still level the side eye from Hell on her every time I see her. And they wonder why I don't come out to visit with family now? So you can do the exact same thing only in reverse to my daughter (who is lighter than I am by several shades)? I so don't think so. *side eye of Death*

I said all that to say this: how is it that you don't love yourself and yet you expect some man to come into your life and love you? Babies listen, you can't expect any man to be all things to you. That's putting too much pressure on a man to be Superman and no man wants to feel like he has to be happy for himself and make you happy too. I've said it before, but it bears repeating: you must, MUST love yourself with the kind of wholeheartedness that you would expect from your boyfriend/SO. How can he love you when you don't love yourself or even know what it feels like to be loved? I mean fully loving yourself, warts, pimples, Crow's feet, wrinkles and all.

Having a bad hair day? Love your crazy hair and own it! Looking not quite right when you leave the house? Accept that you have had better days and then head up, chest out and strut like you're Naomi on the catwalk. Smile! It makes people wonder what you're up to. Feeling fat? Put on some funky music and shake your groove thing until you get over it (added benefit, you get some exercise while getting over your funk, which is always a good thing).

Have you ever heard of affirmations? I have a list that I read to myself every morning when I wake up and every night before bed. It's nothing elaborate, just ten things that I love about me. Even on my not so good, I hate my life somebody please come kill me days, I can read this list and, even if it doesn't make me feel 100% better, it goes a long way towards eliminating the negative thoughts.

My list:
1) I have beautiful Brown eyes that look on the world with kindness and compassion.
2) I am gentle, loving and caring of all those who come into my life.
3) I am blessed and deserve every blessing that comes into my life.
4) I am filled with positive energy and draw positive people to me.
5) I am humbly filled with love for all of God's creations.
6) My nappy hair is amazing and only adds to the God given beauty of me as a Black woman.
7) I have facial features (cheeks, lips, eyes) that other women would kill to have.
8) My breasts are hawt! (I know, it's not very Women's Lib of me, but hey, they look good damn it! *fluffs the twins*)
9) My beauty is timeless. There are women who are dying to attain by surgery what I was given by design.
10) I am me, and that's okay!

Ladies, I would encourage you to do the same for yourself. Sit down and really look at yourself. I say start out with five things, but if you come up with more than five, then more power to you GF! Every woman deserves to love herself just a little bit. It's not conceit, it's self love, and every woman should have some.

Remember, you have to love yourself, flaws and all before you can ask someone else, Black, White, Blue or Green, to do the same.