The Life (And Death) of the Strong Black Woman

This post is a few (ok several) days late. I had intended to have it up over this past weekend, but I have really struggled putting what I think about this topic into words, but here goes nothing.

Strong. Black. Woman.

No three words in the English language have the power to cause a bigger firestorm of emotions (except Out of Chocolate maybe). The myth of the strong Black woman is one that Black women the world over have struggled for, with and against ever since it became part of popular lexicon, but why is this struggle necessary?

Strong. I have nothing against this word in and of itself, but disparity in meaning when applied to men versus women, more specifically Black women, has always been what irritates me. You see, a man can be strong and people automatically tend to think he's a leader, someone who is used to taking charge of a situation. Women get a very different reaction.

A strong woman is usually called some very much less impressive words: b*tch, ball buster, hard ass, dyke, lesbo etc, etc when she is in reality doing nothing more than displaying the very same attributes that a strong man does but with less encouragement and more choler. Applying it to a Black woman is when the real fun begins.

Now we all know someone who falls into the category of SBW: she is probably a single mother of multiple children by multiple "baby daddies", but who is holding down two or three jobs to make sure that her family is provided for to the best of her ability. She is stoic, never complaining when she is in pain, be it mental or physical and she is not about to admit that she needs help for fear of being perceived as "weak" or "whining". Let other women show this kind of vulnerability, but not a Black woman. We must be strong no matter what.

This mythical "all things to all people" Black woman is devoted to the BC with every ounce of strength in her body and uses her considerable energy to "uplift" and "protect" the myth of the "strong Black Man", even if said "strong Black man" could less than a damn about her or the children he's fathered and abandoned. She is loving to those who conform to her ideas of what a woman should be, but heaven help you if you decide to be even a little bit different, because she can (and will) become the monster of your worst nightmares. She is the caretaker of everybody in the Black community, mother to the motherless, friend to the friendless (as long as you take her advice... oh and don't start feeling too proud or being too free. Then you become her freinemy) but no one is there to succor her in her times of need.

Black woman can do and be all of these things, but why should she be? I know from my own personal experience that men love a strong woman. They love knowing that she's there for them when they fall down, but they also have nothing but contempt for a weak ass individual. Where is the line between these two extremes? How can a woman be about her business, raising her kids, paying her bills doing her thing, but still want and need someone who will hold her down without being thought of as weak?

A WW can have a nice nervous breakdown and nothing is said, or even worse, the world makes up excuses as to why she is the way she is (Britney SPears, Anna Nicole, Farrah Fawcett, etc), but the minute a Black woman shows even a little bit of weakness... no scratch that. There's nothing weak about needing a partner who will love and support you when ou need it. When a sister shows vulnerability, maybe even looses her mind just a little bit, she's called everything from crazy as hell to a weak ass punk (Lauryn Hill is a prime example of this).

Black women, it's time to wake up. You can and should be strong, but only insomuch as your family and man need you to be. As far as the BC goes, they can kiss my happy Brown behind. Screw the BC. They haven't done anything for BW but keep us chained down and in a constant state of denial about how messed up we really are. We're trained from the cradle to let BM do as they please, smile and take it, and never leave the BC for greener pastures because as they say, Black people got to stick together. Ummmmm, BM have been leaving their women and children behind for greener pastures for years, so excuse me if I'm starting to take to heart that what's good for the gander is also good for the geese.

A friend of mine said this:

People think BW are rocks...Hard inanimate objects you can just kick around, because afterall we are rocks. I remember doing a paper on black women and depression in college for my mental health class. I ran across this article where this black woman was discussing her feelings and her depression with a white woman. The white woman told her in so many words. There is no way she could be depressed because she did not think black women got depressed because she thought we were so strong about everything. She thought nothing could break down the wall of a strong black woman. This white woman was actually shocked that we could be depressed and from the way the article sounds have emotions. I think in general in America people have this image of us.

It hurts us. Look at the movies so many times we are betrayed as the strong figure, single raising kids alone, handling all the stresses of the world alone and getting knocked down with no one there for comfort, but each other. It is so freaking sad. But it's art imitating life. The strong black woman image was something I used to brag on. Now it is to a fault that so many black women are that way. It so sad to say that most black women I know and grew up with, are from homes where the mother or the grandmother was the sole support and backbone of the family. That shit is tiresome. My friend who lost her mother recently, had us(her friends) and other black women to lean on. The bastard of a man who says he loves her. Sent her three text messages.

And that's the biggest problem: being the rock has put us in a position where everyone in the world takes the toughness we have to exibit as BW at face value. We cry, hurt, feel pain, love, laugh, sorrow just like any other race of women, but we are not allowed to be the face of mental illness, sadness or pain. No, we are a rock: simple, unfeeling inanimate object that is the root and soul of everything, and upon which many a house has been built. Never to be shown sympathy, never to know anything but hurt, anger and disappointment.

A WW can have a nice nervous breakdown or be a raving alchoholic/drug addict and either nothing is said, or even worse, the world makes up excuses as to why she is the way she is (Amy Wino, Britney SPears, Anna Nicole, Farrah Fawcett, etc), but the minute a Black woman shows even a little bit of weakness-- no scratch that. There's nothing weak about needing a partner who will love and support you when ou need it. When a sister shows vulnerability, maybe even looses her mind just a little bit, she's called everything from crazy as hell (Lauryn Hill) to a weak ass punk who couldn't stand by her man when he needed her (Whitney Houston).

Black women, it's time to wake up. Trying to keep all of these balls in the air is killing you. Let someone else come into your life and assist you in the juggling. Stop being too afraid (or too proud) to ask for help when it's needed! You can and should be strong, but only insomuch as your family and man need you to be. When you're feeling too stressed out,/angry/tired/unloved or whatever, let the people around you who love you and only want to help you take care of you for a change! As far as the BC goes, tell them to kiss your happy Brown ass. Screw the BC. They haven't done anything for BW but keep us chained down and in a constant state of denial about how messed up we as Black women really are. We're trained from the cradle to let BM do as they please, swallow every ounce of crap that we're given with a song and dance, smile big for the cameras when people need us for a photo op prop, and never leave the BC for greener pastures because as they say, Black people got to stick together. Ummmmm, BM have been leaving their women and children behind for greener pastures for years, so excuse me if I'm starting to take to heart that what's good for the gander is also good for the geese.

I have to believe that things can only get better, but whether they do or they don't, the myth of the Strong Black Woman dies with me.

I really think this is the ultimate "I'm a lady, but damn it, I'm a woman too" song. I love this song so much it's on permanent rotation in my iPod.



This is my other song that I love. I keep this in heavy rotation in my iPod as well. Whatever happened to her anyway?